Fucking Clemson

Fucking Clemson

By Stacey Gray

Clemson won. Championship game 2019 against Alabama versus Clemson and the Tigers won. I didn’t even watch the end. I have seen enough football games to know that there is a point of no return and Alabama had passed that point. Pop the cork. Shake the pom poms. The Tigers had it.

I’ve driven the eleven hours to South Carolina to the sprawling campus of Clemson University many times in the name of love.. He showed me the pond in front of the library, where the fountains launched columns of water twenty feet into the air, making the droplets shine in the sun like tiny, silver beads as they fell to surface water below. The buildings, clusters of old and new, were scattered on deep, green grass, among paved walkways that sometimes climbed steep hills and fell into vast valleys. The old buildings echoed the Southern military, all male academy it once was. They were red brick with white-trimmed archways and towers that reached for the sky, but always fell short. The new buildings marked the modern times decade by decade with technological advances and design.

Andrew was wearing Clemson shorts the first time he came to my house. He brought his saxophone and played it for me. The melodic tones washed over me to ensnare me in his spell; I felt things turn inside my heart and body that I thought had long been dead. He told me of his love of Coltrane, Davis and I fell. I went down to see him play in the Jazz band at Clemson. There were other saxophones. But his was had a black bell with brass keys. It was sexy as hell and he was irresistible playing it. The full effect of Jazz Andy was intense with his blonde hair waving in front of his forehead as he took his solo, the sharp turn of his jawline, made more discernible when he brought the reed to his mouth in combination with the suit he wore all left me mesmerized.

He was hired to take pictures at the Clemson football home games. It was an awesome job. I could feel his energy on game day even though I was all the way up in Pennsylvania. He sent me copies of the pictures he took of the players, the touchdowns, the interceptions. Andy didn’t just go to Clemson, he breathed it. But he was different when he went there. Clemson Andy was sweet. Clemson Andy was hot. Clemson Andy was seven hundred miles away.

We moved in together in Maryland his last semester left of school. The move was stressful. He had to be back at school by Monday, so we were pressed for time. The kids were young and being, well, kids. And as I tried to lift a mattress that he paid for, my strength gave out and it slid on the sidewalk. I let it. I remember the sudden jolt on my shoulder blade. I thought something fell on me, it was so sudden and so strong. My whole body lunged forward as I stumbled a bit to keep myself from tumbling on the grass and down the small hill. When I turned behind me, I saw Andrew’s blue eyes had turned to a cold, icy stare. He said something about the cost of the mattress and I should pick it the fuck off the sidewalk. But I really don’t remember what he said exactly. I remember the voice, the face, the feeling I had. I was alone in our new city. I had nowhere to go and no way to get there anyway. So, I decided that it didn’t happen. He didn’t hurt me. And if he did, he didn’t mean it. And if he did mean it, it was only for a second. I decided it wasn’t like last time. Even as I lay in the ambulance, it didn’t happen.

That was another time; things are different now. I’m different now. I learned not to see the devil in every man I met. And I did find love. There was a wedding and flowers. My children are strong and happy, and beautiful and safe. And I’m far away from Andrew or any of those men. They don’t have the power to touch my life again or cause any pain again because I’m writing and, pursuing my dream, and happy, and—plain. He bruised my daughter’s foot to the bone, spanked my son with a piece of quarter-round molding. Finally, I felt his hand clutch my throat slamming my body into the wall. Dents in the drywall marked where my heels landed. This relationship was exactly like my former marriage.

I listed his damages one by one in my impact statement for a judge, Andrew, and the rest of the courtroom. But really, I listed them for me out loud. It was enough to remove him from our lives. But I know he is still out there. They are still out there.

I’ve driven the eleven hours to South Carolina to the sprawling campus of Clemson University many times in the name of love.. He showed me the pond in front of the library, where the fountains launched columns of water twenty feet into the air, making the droplets shine in the sun like tiny, silver beads as they fell to surface water below. The buildings, clusters of old and new, were scattered on deep, green grass, among paved walkways that sometimes climbed steep hills and fell into vast valleys. The old buildings echoed the Southern military, all-male academy it once was. They were red brick with white-trimmed archways and towers that reached for the sky, but always fell short. The new buildings marked the modern times decade by decade with technological advances and design.

And Clemson won. Fucking Clemson.